1. The Cape: Holy vestments cool girl, look at you in your KAPOW ensemble, oh you thought you were going for the lady of the manor look? No, everyone is looking at you and thinking urban crime fighter.
2 The Poncho: The Man With No Name stole your heart at thirteen and has yet to give it back, take a puff on that cheroot for me.
3 The Parka: Shackleton chic, make sure you eat before your vertiginous High St expedition , we don’t want another case of ‘tastes like chicken” cannibalism on our hands.
4 The Camel Hair: You Patrician snob, shaving sheep isn’t enough for you, it gives you the hump, you demand that the finest ships of the desert dock for your fashion edification.
5 The Duffle: Don’t cry or get your toggles in a twist, but I’m afraid Paddington wasn’t real.
6. The Cocoon: Only for the willowy, these voluminous carapaces will make mere mortals look like cobras who have just chowed down a pig.
7 The Double Breasted: Oh look at you with your au courant minimal embonpoint, your evening look is Le Smoking slashed to the waist, you are peaking in this season’s hottest look - vertical cleavage
Laura Bailey in Shrimps - all the rage at the moment here.
8. Faux Fur: You may spark when you walk unless you are suitably grounded by rubber soled boots but at least know no one can ever call you Cruella.